Fullmetal Alchemist Meets Dr Phillip!
by OhHolyCow
Summary: Things get pretty crazy when the cast of Fullmetal Alchemist go on Dr. Phillip to resolve their issues! How will things unfold?
1. Chapter 1

Fullmetal Alchemist meets Dr. Phillip!

(It said that you can't use real people, so I am using Dr. 'Phillip', He is in no way related to Dr. Phil!)

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or its trademarks

By: OhHolyCow

Dr. Phillip: Hello everyone, and welcome to my show, Dr. Phillip. In this edition of my show, the cast of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood is here to talk about their issues. Please welcome our first guest!

MC: All the way from Amestris, here's Edward Elric, the youngest Alchemist of the state and living legend of the people!

Edward: I'm glad to be here Dr.

Dr. Phillip: So, tell me Edward, how does it feel to be the youngest alchemist of the state?

Edward: Well, it feels pretty good!

Dr. Phillip: As we all are about to find out, you, as well as the other guests we are having on this show, have many issues that MUST be resolved. Let's roll the video!

Video: Today on Dr. Phillip, our first topic is "A GROUP OF ARTIFICIALLY CREATED HUMANS ARE TRYING TO DESTROY MY COUNTRY!"

Dr. Phillip: So, let's bring out more of our guests, the homunculi Envy, Lust and gluttony!

Audience: BOO! YOU SUCK!

Envy: SHUT UP YOU FREE-LOADERS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M ON THIS CRAPPY SHOW!

Lust: This whole episode really is going to be a drag…

Gluttony: Can I eat them?

Lust: Not yet, but maybe later.

Edward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Envy: Hey, pipsqueak, it's not like I wanted to come on this show or anything. But, it was part of my contract, so I didn't have a choice.

Edward: HEY! THAT'S SIX TIMES NOW!

Envy: What are you talking about?

Edward: YOU JUST CALLED ME PIPSQUEAK, PLUS TWICE IS THE FOREST, AND THREE TIMES AT THE LABORATORY!

Envy: Well well well, looked like your memory isn't as short as you after all!

Edward: SHUT YOU MOUTH BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND SHUT IT FOR YA!

Envy: YOU WANNA GO, PIPSQUEAK?

Edward: AHH!

-They begin fighting until Dr. Phillip gives them both a stress ball, which eventually calms them down-

Dr. Phillip: Does that stress ball make you feel better Edward?

Edward: Yeah, I guess so.

Audience: -claps and cheers-

Dr. Phillip: Now, before we get to the main issue, there is another important matter that needs to be resolved. Edward, why do you get so offended when you are called short?

Edward: I'M NOT SHORT!

Dr. Phillip: Well, in that case… Steve, go get the scale; we've got some measuring to do!

Audience: -claps and cheers-

Dr. Phillip: Security, please hold down Mr. Elric so that we can do the measurements.

Edward: NOO! PUT ME DOWN! I'M NOT SHORT!

Dr. Phillip: Well Edward, the test results have come back, you measure…. Five ft, two inches… YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE, IN FACT, SHORT!

Edward: NOOOOO! GET ME OUT OF THIS GOD-FORSAKEN PLACE!

Audience: AHHH!-Applause-

Dr. Phillip: On that note, let's move on to our next topic.

Video: Today on Dr. Phillip, our second topic is… "I KNOW MY FRIEND IS IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT HE WON'T ADMIT IT!"

Dr. Phillip: Let's welcome our next guest, Miss Winry Rockbell!

Audience: WE LOVE YOU WINRY!

Winry: Hi, Dr. Phillip!

Dr. Phillip: Hello there, Miss Rockbell. So tell me, who is this boy that you are in love with, and vice versa?

Winry: Well…that would be…Edward

-They both blush, and Edward begins to panic-

Audience: AWW! HOW CUTE!

Edward: HEY! SHUT UP!

Dr. Phillip: So Edward, do you have something that you have to say to Winry?

Edward: Well… Winry…

Winry: Yes, Ed

Edward: Even though I have tried to hide it, I do love you, and have for a very long time…

Audience: AWWWW!

Envy: THIS is the reason that I hate these kinds of shows! All this crap is making me vomit!

-Winry takes out her wrench-

Winry: HIYYA!

Envy: OUCH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

Winry: FOR BEING AN IDIOT!

Pauli: OK (If you don't get the Amanda Show reference, than you're on your own)

-silence while everyone is thinking "what is _HE _doing here? Pauli slowly scrambles out the door-

Dr. Phillip: So then, the two of you admitted that you love each other, so now what?

Edward: Well…

Lust: Well… since love is sort of my specialty, I would recommend a kiss, to prove to yourselves and to your partner that you are in love.

Audience: OOH!

Edward: Well…

Winry: …

Edward: Fine!

-Edward grabs Winry and gives her a kiss-

Audience: AWWW!

-Winry faints as Edward ends the kiss-

-Envy begins to puke his guts out-

Envy: THIS IS SICK! I'M OUTTA HERE!

Studio Director: Don't forget Envy, _**CONTRACT.**_

Envy: Fine! I'll stay… as long as pipsqueak over here stops making out with miss gear head!

Dr. Phillip: Well…I think that you two will make a fine couple! Let's move on to our next topic!

Video: Our Next topic is…

Dr. Phillip: WAIT! We never resolved the first issue! To help us with this compelling topic, here's… Steve Philkos!

Audience: AHH! WE LOVE YOU STEVE!

Steve: I'm glad to be here Phillip! But…

Dr. Phillip: But what?

Steve: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE SITTING DOWN? These weirdoes over there, they caused all of this commotion, right? So they don't deserve to sit so smug on stage!

-Steve takes the chairs of Envy, Gluttony and Lust-

Lust: YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE! STEALING A WOMAN'S CHAIR!

Gluttony: Can I eat him?

Envy: Make it quick!

Steve: AHHH! I'M OUTTA HERE!

-Steve runs frantically off stage and into his car and drives off-

Envy: Well… looks like Mr. talk-show host over here doesn't have much nerve after all!

Dr. Phillip: Um… let's go ahead and move on.

-Winry finally becomes conscious once again-

Video: Our next topic is… "MY BEST FRIEND WAS MURDERED BY A HOMUNCULUS"

Dr. Phillip: Please welcome our next set of guests, Colonel Roy Mustang, 1st Lt. Riza Hawkeye, and Lt. Jean Havoc!

-Applause-

Audience: WE LOVE YOU MUSTANG! HOW CAN RIZA PUT UP WITH YOU? WE LOVE YOU JEAN!

Mustang: Hello, Dr.

Riza: It's a pleasure!

Jean: SOLARIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Lust: The name's Lust, don't tell me that you didn't figure that out…

Jean: -Falls over and goes to sit in the corner; Riza pats him on the shoulder-

Dr. Phillip: Colonel, would you please point out the person who murdered your friend?

Mustang: Gladly! (points to Envy)

Dr. Phillip: Tell me Envy, what possessed you to kill this man's best friend?

Envy: Well, I love killing people, since I am evil after all!

Dr. Phillip: You know Envy, just because you do bad things DOESN'T mean that you're a bad person. There is good in everyone. Just because you are branded as a villain by your peers doesn't mean that you have to BE that villain!

Audience: WOOHOO!

Envy: Look, I love that you're trying, but my name is ENVY! When I want something, I take it, and then move on to something else. I _WANTED _To kill Hughes, so I did; it's just THAT simple!

Audience: BOO! YOU STILL SUCK!

Envy: THAT'S IT! SCREW YOUR CONTRACT! I'M OUTTA HERE!

Dr. Phillip: Well, It looks like we're out of time, but we will be continuing this discussion on next week's episode! If there is something that you would like for us to talk about, please put it in the rating's box. Thank you and good night!

Edward: Gee, that was fun, a kiss AND a show!

-Winry then hits Edward with her wrench-

Edward: HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

Winry: FOR BEING AN IDIOT!

Pauli: OK

-Winry and Edward both stare at Pauli, and proceed to beat him to a pulp-

Pauli: AHH! I'M SORRY! YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN THE ALDENTE BROTHERS! (The Amanda Show, LOOK IT UP!)

SEE YOU NEXT TIME! AND DON'T FORGET TO GIVE ME IDEAS!


	2. PART TWO!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal alchemist, The Amanda Show, or Speed Racer, but I do own Dr. Phillip! And now…

PART 2!

Dr. Phillip: Welcome back to our show! We had lots of responses from our first episode, so now, the studio won't fire me!

Audience: HOORAY!

Dr. Phillip: We're going to start the show off by reading the first review

_Dear Dr. Phillip, please ask Alphonse about his obsession over cats, as well as __Mustang's anger issues towards Envy. Also, did Winry ever find out that it was Scar who blew Ed's automail into a million pieces? (even if Winry would still blame it on Ed). Also discuss Ling's (and Lan Fan's) eating habits. Heck, bring Hughes back to life and see how people react to his pictures!_

_ ~Katargeo Em_

Dr. Phillip: Those are all very good ideas, Katargeo. We will talk about your letter on today's show in spite of your very peculiar name!

Audience: Ahh!

Dr. Phillip: Let's bring out our first guests! Edward and Alphonse Elric!

Edward: Hello again, Dr.

Alphonse: Oh, hello (feeling really mad that he didn't get to come on the show last time)

Dr. Phillip: Well now, Alphonse, many of your fans are curious to know, why are you so obsessed with cats?

Alphonse: Well, I like them because they're soft and furry. But my doctor told me that I have a mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But yeah, I _love_ cats. _I really do_!

-Edward, as well as the audience just realized that Alphonse was clearly insane-

Edward: Are you feeling okay, Al?

Alphonse: Oh, yes. I'm feeling _extra_ okay today, even though I didn't get to come on the show last time. And be second banana to a mediocre ignoramus of a brother!

Audience: Oohhhh!

Edward: I AM SOOO NOT MEDIOCRE, ALPHONSE! AND YOU'RE SECOND BANANA BECAUSE I'M WAAAYY COOLER!

Alphonse: YOU WANNA GO?

Edward: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

-Edward and Alphonse begin to fight, while Dr. Phillip hands them both stress balls~

Dr. Phillip: Does that make you feel better?

Ed/Al: Yeah, I guess so…

Audience: Ahh!

-Déjà vu-

Dr. Phillip: Well now, Alphonse, it seems as though there are some underlying issues here. Tell me, why are you so upset.

Alphonse: I _love _cats!

Dr. Phillip: Um, I'm aware. But why are you upset?

Alphonse: I _love _cats! I _love _cats! So _soft_! So _fluffy_! I _love _cats! HAHAHA!

Dr. Phillip: Please get him a straight jacket!

Edward: Don't worry, Al, we'll get through this!

-Al was dragged off stage, continuing to ramble about his love for cats

Alphonse: I_ love_ cats! I_ really do_!

Dr. Phillip: Well then… moving on… Our next pair of guests! Miss Winry Rockbell and Scar!

Winry: It's great to be here!

Scar: Why am I here?

Dr. Phillip: Well, Winry, you know that Scar killed your parents, right? Well what if I told you that he has done more!

Audience- OOH!

Winry: WHAT? Are you telling me that this creep did something OTHER THAN kill my parents?

Dr. Phillip: What if I told you that when Edward came home, he and Al in a million pieces, it was Scar who shattered his automail?

Winry: AAAAHHHH! WHY YOU &%*)&e)*^)&^)&^ )(&^)&^)^$)&^$)&#^$)&^)7!

-Winry chasing Scar around the stage with her already bloody wrench-

Dr, Phillip: Thank god for censorship!

Audience: WOOHOO!

Dr. Phillip: But there is an even _more _important issue here! Scar, what is your real name?

Scar: I gave up my Ishvalan name when I started killing people, and stalking the Fullmetal Alchemist.

Dr. Phillip: Well Scar, we now know your Ishvalan name, and that your excuses are a big fat pile of crap.

-Scar looked like he wanted to stab someone-

Dr. Phillip: Scar's _true _Ishvalan name is, in fact…PATTY!

Audience: Ahh!

Scar: NOOOOOO! I NEVER WANTED ANYONE TO FIND OUT! MY LIFE IS OVER!

Edward: HA! In, the face! That's what you get for picking a fight with us alchemists!

Winry: Oh! What!

Audience: Oooh!

Patty: LA TIERRA CHUPA!*

* Mayan saying: "The Earth sucks"

Dr. PHILLIP: Well, it looks like Patty got what he had coming to him! Let's move on to our next segment! Please welcome our guests, Col. Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, and Envy!

Mustang: Hello, Dr. Phillip!

Riza: Once again, it's a pleasue!

-Audience boos as Envy walks on stage-

Envy: HEY! SHUT UP BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND BEAT YOU TO A BLOODY PULP, YOU BUNCH OF MOOCHERS!

Dr. Phillip: Now, Roy, why are you so angry at Envy? What did he do?

Mustang: Well, like we covered on last week's show, he killed my best friend, Maes Hughes!

Dr. Phillip: Well, Colonel, what if I told you that we are bringing Hughes on the show today?

Mustang: WHAT?

Dr. Phillip: Now, let's begin the Pagan ritual to bring his spirit from beyond, please welcome… the Studio Witch-Doctor!

Witch-Doctor: That you Phillip!

Dr. Phillip: You may begin!

Witch-Doctor: YOMA YOMA HA-A HAHA KODAKAKAK! O WO WO WO PICTURE-CAPTION-URUR-YA- GUSHOVERWIFE-YOMA-YOMA-YA-A-A!

-Hughes's soul appears-

Mustang/ Hawkeye/ Havoc/ Envy/ Edward/ Winry/ Alphonse/ Patty: WHAT THE HELL?

Hughes: HOHOHO! LOOK AT MY PICTURES! HOHOHO!

Mustang: HUGHES! BUT HOW DID YOU… BUT…

-Mustang passes out on floor-

Riza: Um, why is he talking like that?

Dr. phillip: Well, it's a side effect of bringing back souls. When a soul is brought from the great beyond, they tend to talk like speed racer…

Hughes: HAHA! It's great to be here why is Mustang on the floor look at my pictures HOHOHO!

-Everyone stares at Hughes, not getting past his Speed Racer accent-

Dr. Phillip: Alright then… let's just go on to our next letter…

_Haha, that was pretty good and funny xD Maybe you could have Roy and Riza discuss the fact that Roy is always blowing of hos work? XD Or their secret love for each other as well? Just ideas! :3_

_~XxXruruXxX_

Dr. Phillip: Great letter! And since you submitted this letter, you will be awarded a free cookie as well as more Xs for your name!

Audience: AHHHH!

Dr. Phillip: Alright! The next letter involves Roy and Riza! First, let's talk about Roy. Now why do you constantly shirk your work, no to mention how you make your subordinates do it?

Mustang: Um, well, I, uh… IT'S ALL BECAUSE HAWKEYE GIVES ME TOO MUCH TO DO!

Riza: WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS! THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE SO MUCH WORK IS BECAUSE YOU LET IT PILE UP!

Dr. Phillip Well, I've contacted some people from the Amanda Show to help with this, let's bring out our next guest, Judge Trudy!

Audience: AHHH!

- the set from the show is brought in, Roy sits at the defendant's booth, while Riza sits at the Plaintiffs. The Bailiff, as well as at least seven dancing lobsters enter the room-

-Judge Trudy theme music begins-

Judge Trudy Narrator: Today on Judge Trudy on Dr. Phillip, the Plaintiff, Riza Hawkeye, is suing the Defendant, Roy Mustang, for constantly shirking his work and not admitting it. Man, I could go for a sandwich…

Judge Trudy: I now bring this courtroom to order!

Audience: AHH!

Trudy: So Riza, you say that this Mustang character never does his work?

Riza: That is correct, your honor.

Trudy: Well, Mustang, what do ya have to say for yourself, hmm?

Mustang: Well, PAPERWORK IS BORING!

Audience (which is now for some reason mostly composed of children…): YAY!

Riza: You know as well as I do that paperwork is important!

Audience: BOO!

Riza: WHAT?

Trudy: by the sound of the audience, this case is closed! Riza Hawkeye, I hereby sentence you to stay in this well lit box with Mr. Hughes and five hundred-thousand pictures of his daughter, Elicia! BAILIFF!

Bailiff: You got it, Judge!

Riza: WHAT? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I'M CALLING MY LAWYER! NOOO!

-Riza is dragged into the box with Hughes-

Hughes: HOHOHO! LOOK AT ELISIA ISN'T SHE CUTE HOHOHO!

Riza: NOOOOOOO!

Patty: Sucks for her, hehehe

Dr. Phillip: Well, thank you very much, Judge!

Trudy: It's a pleasure! Case dismissed, bring out the dancing lobsters!

- Lots of dancing lobsters come out of the doors and start to dance, followed by everyone else, including Mustang and Edward-

Dr. Phillip: Well, it looks like that's all the time we have left, tune in next week to watch all of these crazy people do even more hilarious things! Don't forget to write letters to me in the comment box! If you don't, the studio will fire me!

Audience: AHHH!

Hughes: PICTURES HOHOHO!

RIZA: HELP ME!

Patty: he he he…


	3. PHILLIP 3 WHAT WHAT!

I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Speed Racer, Vampire's Suck, 2 Stupid Dogs, the Amanda Show, Invader Zim, or any other corny jokes I ripped off, hehehe.

P.S. This episode of Dr. Phillip is Rated T, and poor Edward may be scarred for life… well, HERE IT IS!

Dr. Phillip: Hello, and welcome to yet another episode of Dr. Phillip!

Audience: Ahh!

Random guy: Wait! Isn't this Dr. Who?

Dr. Phillip: Well, isn't that cute, BUT IT'S WRONG! Random Guy runs out screaming

Dr. Phillip: Well, today on Dr. Phillip, we will once again go into the insane minds of these weirdoes! Here They Are!

Audience: Ahh! Oh! My! Garsh! I love you Edward!

Random Fangirl: BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN, EDWARD!

Other Random Fangirl: HEY! BACK OFF! HE'S THE FATHER OF _MY _CHILDREN!

Other Other Random Fangirl: UH-UH GIRLFRIEND! IT'S ON NOW!

By that time, every fangirl of Edward in the audience began to maim each other with knives and shovels.

Dr. Phillip: HEY! If you guys are going to maim each other with shovels, then I suggest you do it on stage so that we can film and or exploit it.

Fangirls: AW YEAH!

Suddenly, a wrestling ring was on stage and fifty fangirls started an all out brawl.

Edward: Sitting there in shock

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Fanboys and Fangirls! What you are about to witness is going to be the fight of the century! Forget about buff men without shirts! Because everyone knows that fangirls with shovels are WAY more vicious! LET THE FIGHT COMMENCE!

The fangirls started their brawl, punching each other, shooting each other with heavy artillery, and even the occasional atomic wedgie.

Fangirl #3: EDWARD, the father of my children! This is for you! The fangirl aimed her bazooka at the others and fired, making her victorious!

BOOM!

Dr. Phillip: AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

Fangirl#3: OH, WHAT! Edward! Come father my children!

Edward: Didn't you watch the first episode girly? ROLL THE CLIP!

CLIP START

Dr. Phillip: Hello there, Miss Rockbell. So tell me, who is this boy that you are in love with, and vice versa?

Winry: Well…that would be…Edward

-They both blush, and Edward begins to panic-

Audience: AWW! HOW CUTE!

Edward: HEY! SHUT UP!

Dr. Phillip: So Edward, do you have something that you have to say to Winry?

Edward: Well… Winry…

Winry: Yes, Ed

Edward: Even though I have tried to hide it, I do love you, and have for a very long time…

Audience: AWWWW!

END CLIP

Edward: You see? Sorry to break it to you, but I'm taken.

Audience: OH! YOU JUST GOT SERVED!

Fangirl#3: NOOOOO! Head explodes

Dr. Phillip: Uh, Mr. Sweepy! Could you clean up all these fangirl guts?

SWEEPY: I'm on it chief! takes out a mop and sweeps up fangirl#3's corpse.

Dr. Phillip: Well, let's begin with our first topic Edward!

Ed: Alright!

Dr. Phillip: As for the next letter, I will read it a little bit later, so that I don't spoil anything. So let's welcome our next guest, Roy Mustang!

Audience: WE LOVE YOU ROY! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!

Roy: looking creped out Alright, then, maybe later!

Ed: You're sick, Mustang! That girl is like fifteen! Wait, is that… WINRY?

Winry (from the back of the studio): Hey Ed! I'm a bit tipssssy!

Dr. Phillip: WHAT? Aw darn it! Edward Cullen must've spiked the studio Coke fountain again!

Roy: Who?

Ed: You mean that loser from Twilight?

Dr. Phillip: Yes! Every time I have a guest named Edward, that rascal comes and spikes the studio Coke fountain!

Roy: Vampires have no class!

Winry: Weee! Ima go take a bath! proceeds to jump onto the studio cheese grater, which she thought was an Olympic sized swimming pool.

Edward: WINRY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

Winry: Mff… twitches

Dr. Phillip: … Alright then, let's just hurry up and move on before this gets anymore violent… So, tell me, Edward, you are fully aware that there is fan fiction of you and Winry, and Roy and Riza, correct?

Ed: Um, yeah, but… what do you mean by…

Roy: whispers in Ed's ear

Edward: WHAT THE #%*^! WHY WOULD ANYONE PUBLISH…

Roy: Ed, it's alright, calm down. Chances are that isn't the worst of it, so just breathe, alright?

Ed: Ugh… But I just don't understand why someone would write about me and Winry… UGH! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD ANYMORE!

Dr. Phillip: Roy's right, Edward

Roy: See? I told you Ed! Nothing to worry about!

Dr. Phillip: No, that's not what I mean, I'm talking about when you said 'it gets worse'.

Roy and Ed both pale

Dr. Phillip: What if I told you that not only do they have fics about Royai and EdWin, but have fics about you and Roy… so please, if you would, walk into that closet and watch the film… so that Roy doesn't have to explain it

Ed: Wh…wh…

Both walk into closet and begin watching RoyEd yaoi movie.

Five Minutes Later

Both come running out of the room

Ed: WH...WHAT THE...! WHO…WHA…. AHHHHH! Runs away screaming

Roy: That… can I… can I have that tape?

Everyone looks at Roy, shocked

Dr. Phillip: Sure, for $50

Roy: DEAL! JUST GIVE IT TO ME!

Dr. Phillip: tosses Roy yaoi tape Here you go, you pervert

Roy runs off the set, eager to get home and watch his masterpiece

Dr. Phillip: Well, looks like that's all the time we have left for today! And thank you to Katargeo Em for this wonderful idea!We had so many more responses, but we WILL get to them next time! Continue to review and PEACE OUT! Runs off set and gets into his convertible

GOOD NIGHT!

Next One Up SOON!

~OhHolyCow!


End file.
